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Post by Harold Smith on Nov 2, 2023 22:22:56 GMT
Dave, how on earth are you going to fit that in a Christmas cracker. Not sure if it will fit in the reject bin.
Harold
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Post by Tringa on Nov 4, 2023 14:07:11 GMT
I don't just do Christmas cracker jokes, I do them for anywhere
At a recent protest against the intrusive effects of technology one placard read -
What do we want?
The end to auto correct.
When do we want it?
Cow.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Nov 13, 2023 19:19:54 GMT
A couple of farmers talking one day.
Bill : "I keep thinking about old R&B songs."
Fred : "I don't understand"
Bill : "Every morning I take my cow on a walk through the local vineyard."
Fred : "What do you mean?"
Bill : "I herd it through the grapevine."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Nov 25, 2023 11:29:15 GMT
A car mechanic and surgeon are talking about the similarities of their jobs. They agree both deal with situations that need investigating, diagnosing and putting right.
The mechanic says, "Although our jobs are similar mine is far more complicated and difficult than yours."
The surgeon replies, "How can you say that, my job deals with saving people, yours just repairs cars?"
"But in my job I can repair any car and there are thousands, all with special and different components. People are pretty much the same, they all have hearts, lungs, etc, so your job is easier." says the mechanic.
The surgeon then says, "When you repair cars do you keep the engine running?"
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Dec 5, 2023 12:21:28 GMT
Man and a woman having a drink.
Man : I don't think a woman drinking makes her look attractive.
Woman : You misunderstand. I'm drinking to make you look attractive.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Dec 11, 2023 9:34:56 GMT
Man : "I've just loaded the washing machine, what temperature should I use?"
Woman : "What does it say on that T shirt?"
Man : "Pink Floyd."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Dec 23, 2023 13:43:39 GMT
If you examine the Bayeux Tapestry carefully you will find the first visual record of carol singers. They are a group of pike men from north west France known as the Brittany Spears.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Dec 26, 2023 15:16:41 GMT
After quite a few years of getting Christmas presents, many of them quite expensive ones, which were useless or of no interest to me I asked if, this year, less would spent but to get me something more appropriate to my needs or interests.
It seems my relatives think I am an alcoholic with hygiene problems.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Feb 11, 2024 14:21:05 GMT
An encounter in the Middle Ages
Man : My lady I am not desirous of an lasting relationship, just a quick fling.
Woman : Sir, you are indeed fortunate this day as I have recently acquired a trebuchet.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Feb 13, 2024 15:46:33 GMT
A drunk staggering home sees a man looking into the engine of his car.
Drunk: "Waz gone wrong?"
Man: "Piston broke."
Drunk: "Sho am I."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Feb 14, 2024 11:13:43 GMT
A French tourist is having a guided tour around HMS Victory.
On one of the gun decks he asks, "Are these the cannonballs used at the Battle of Trafalgar?"
The guide pauses and then replies, "No, your navy still has those."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Feb 29, 2024 16:37:36 GMT
Youngsters of today, eh?!
One day when I was a kid I died but my Mum made me walk it off.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 5, 2024 10:28:11 GMT
At last proof of what we have always known.
Scientist put a ten piece set of matching Tupperware in a sealed tamper-proof chamber.
When they opened the chamber a month later there were only five lids that did not fit any of the seven remaining containers.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 6, 2024 13:26:56 GMT
I really must read flyers more carefully. Imagine my embarrassment at being the only person at the new Slimming Club in speedos and goggles.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 30, 2024 20:52:42 GMT
Two astronauts talking.
1. "I can't find any milk for my coffee."
2. "In space no one can. Here use cream."
Dave
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