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Post by Tringa on Jul 15, 2023 7:24:26 GMT
On the Enterprise.
"Engineering to Captain Kirk."
"Kirk here, go ahead Scotty."
"Captain, we can't hold this speed much longer, the engines won't take it."
"Just turn the engines off. We will then continue at this speed unless acted upon by an external force. I am surprised you haven't heard of Newton's First Law, Mr Scott, Kirk out."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jul 15, 2023 12:26:31 GMT
I wanted to close one of my bank accounts. I was pleased to see there was an online form specifically for closing accounts, so I completed and submitted it.
Later in the day the bank telephoned to say the form started the process but I had to go into my local branch to complete the closure.
I said, "I'm not able to do that."
The bank asked if I had a reason that prevented my from visiting my local branch.
"Yes.", I said, "you closed the branch six months ago because most people bank online now."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Aug 7, 2023 21:04:28 GMT
Student talking to Albert Einstein.
Student : "Dr Einstein, I think I finally understand your theory of special relativity."
Einstein : "Its about time."
Dave
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Post by Harold Smith on Aug 9, 2023 13:04:12 GMT
Hi Dave,
Practicing for Christmas?
Harold.
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Post by Tringa on Aug 10, 2023 11:19:17 GMT
Just limbering up, Harold, just limbering up
Dave
One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of then. It could be my Mum or Dad, or my older brother, Colin or my other brother Ho Chan Chu, but I think its Colin.
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Post by Tringa on Aug 20, 2023 8:58:41 GMT
To the person who left £3000 rolled up & secured with elastic bands on the Trans Pennine Express between Halifax and Burnley this morning.
PLEASE GET IN TOUCH ASAP.
I have your elastic bands.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Aug 24, 2023 14:10:14 GMT
Man goes into a store to says, "I want to cut down some trees what do I need?"
The store owner says, "You need a chainsaw. This one will do the job, you could cut down ten trees in a day."
Man comes back the following day with the chainsaw.
" You told me I could cut down ten trees a day " he said. "It took me all day to cut down one !
The dealer takes the chainsaw, says, "It looks alright." and then pulls the cord and the chainsaw starts up - brmmm brmmm brummmm !
The man is obviously startled, looks around and says " What's that noise?"
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Aug 29, 2023 6:27:04 GMT
How competitive tendering works
A local council needs a fence at the council offices replaced and puts it out to tender
A local workman arrives, measures up the fence and quotes £2,500. The official asks for a breakdown of the quote and the workman says, "£1,000 for labour, £1,000 for materials and £500 profit for me.
The next day a Polish workman arrives, measures up the fence and quotes £2,300. The official asks for a breakdown of the quote and the workman says, "£1,000 for labour, £1,000 for materials and £300 profit for me.
A donor to the council arrives the following day. He doesn't measure anything and quotes £20,300. The official says, "What! Over £23,000 and you haven't even measured the job, how did you arrive at the figure?"
The donor says, "It £10,000 for me, £10,000 for you and £300 for the Polish bloke I'll get to do the job."
"When can you start?" said the official.
Dave
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Post by ianr on Aug 30, 2023 6:11:23 GMT
How competitive tendering works A local council needs a fence at the council offices replaced and puts it out to tender A local workman arrives, measures up the fence and quotes £2,500. The official asks for a breakdown of the quote and the workman says, "£1,000 for labour, £1,000 for materials and £500 profit for me. The next day a Polish workman arrives, measures up the fence and quotes £2,300. The official asks for a breakdown of the quote and the workman says, "£1,000 for labour, £1,000 for materials and £300 profit for me. A donor to the council arrives the following day. He doesn't measure anything and quotes £20,300. The official says, "What! Over £23,000 and you haven't even measured the job, how did you arrive at the figure?" The donor says, "It £10,000 for me, £10,000 for you and £300 for the Polish bloke I'll get to do the job." "When can you start?" said the official. Dave I remember the days when contracts were won on which contractor had the nicest villa in Spain ian
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Post by Tringa on Sept 1, 2023 6:38:49 GMT
Which Icelandic singer was named after a city in Yorkshire?
A. Leeds
B. York
C. Bradford
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Sept 23, 2023 11:32:04 GMT
A duck is just a waterproof chicken with webbed feet and a kazoo.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Oct 4, 2023 8:09:32 GMT
Do you know if you go to a Shell petrol station and hold the pump to your ear, you can hear the shareholders laughing at you.
Dave
PS I'm told its the same if you put your ear close to one of your kitchen taps.
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Post by Tringa on Oct 10, 2023 5:55:21 GMT
I was really annoyed yesterday because Siri kept calling me Shirley. Then I realised I'd left my phone in airplane mode.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Nov 2, 2023 15:44:22 GMT
Not a joke but something which allegedly happened.
John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich(1718 - 1792) once said to the actor Samuel Foote, "Foote, I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; but I think, that you must either die of the pox, or the gallows."
"My lord", replied Foote, "that will depend upon one of two contingencies; – whether I embrace your lordship's mistress, or your lordship's principles."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Nov 2, 2023 15:50:41 GMT
Bill was bragging to his boss one day, "I know just about everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I bet I know them."
"OK, Bill, how about Tom Cruise?", said his boss. "OK, lets fly out and see him.” says Bill. They go to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Bill! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Bill's boss is still sceptical, but after visiting George Clooney, Madonna, Joe Biden, with the same result he thinks again and then says, ”How about the Pope, do you know the Pope?”
"Sure!" says Bill. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
When they get there the Pope is giving an address from the balcony. Bill says he'll have a word with the guards and will come out on the balcony next to the Pope, and off he goes through the crowd. After about twenty minutes he arrives on the balcony with the Poe, waves to his boss and then makes his way back down.
When he gets back into St Peter's Square he finds his boss being treated by paramedics because he has had a heart attack. He asks his boss what happened and his boss says,”It was the shock. When you appeared on the balcony with the Pope the man standing next to me said, ”Who's that bloke on the balcony next to Bill?”
Dave
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