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Post by Tringa on Dec 6, 2022 14:36:11 GMT
The police pull over a car and give the driver a ticket for speeding.
Driver: "What do I do with this ticket?"
Police: "Keep it and when you collect four of them, you can have a bicycle."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Dec 11, 2022 11:27:00 GMT
A couple are in bed together when the woman wakes up and hears her partner say, "I was born in Bloemfontein in 1892, I fought at the Battle of the Somme and in 1925 became professor of Anglo Saxon at Pembroke College."
The woman covers here ears and thinks, "Oh no, he's Tolkien in his sleep again."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Dec 16, 2022 11:46:52 GMT
Not a joke but I thought this was a funny story.
It was posted by someone on another forum where the thread was about silly things people have done.
The person through a lot of miming and pointing at a guidebook was trying to buy a train ticket from Xi'an. The lady at the counter spoke less English than he did Manadrin so it wasn't going too well. After quite a while and much exasperation on both sides a local stepped in and explained to the person that he was, in fact, in the bus station.
Dave
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Post by ianr on Dec 17, 2022 10:35:08 GMT
I was once stood in line at the bank counter when some woman walked in looking all perplexed I asked if she was alright and she said is this specsavers? I smiled and replied no duck there next door. ian
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Post by Harold Smith on Dec 17, 2022 22:26:39 GMT
I was once stood in line at the bank counter when some woman walked in looking all perplexed I asked if she was alright and she said is this specsavers? I smiled and replied no duck there next door. ian Hi Ian, That is a quacker of a joke. However, it is unlikely to be found in Dave’s Christmas Cracker joke bucket. Harold
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Post by ianr on Dec 21, 2022 8:50:17 GMT
What with the weather being as it is and the can I should I turn the heating on thoughts running through your head, it reminded me of an old Andy Cap cartoon I read o so many years ago.
went something like this.
Andy: put your coat on Flo I'm going to the pub
Flo: oh Andy are you taking me with you?
Andy: no I'm turning the heating off
ian
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Post by Tringa on Jan 2, 2023 14:47:39 GMT
I was at the gym this morning and some idiot on the treadmill put a water bottle in the Pringles holder!
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jan 7, 2023 10:28:46 GMT
I tried on something I hadn't worn for about five years and was surprised and happy to find it still fitted. I was especially pleased because I really loved that scarf.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jan 8, 2023 9:58:15 GMT
Other than the Earth there is only one planet in the Universe we know is populated. Even more amazing is the fact the entire population are robots - its called Mars.
Dave
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Post by Harold Smith on Jan 11, 2023 21:48:48 GMT
This one is from wife.
A man went to see his Doctor. The Doctor asked what is the problem? Well, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a super market. The Doctor asked how long have you been feeling like this? The man replied only for a LIDL time.
Harold.
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Post by Tringa on Jan 16, 2023 12:18:58 GMT
I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey, but I turned myself around.. and that's what it's all about.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jan 20, 2023 8:49:09 GMT
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to university.
"I'm paying for your tuition because I want to make sure you get a good education. You don't owe me anything for that. But I also want you to work hard, so I'm asking you now, to each put £1,000 into my coffin when I die."
His sons became a doctor, a pilot and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp £100 notes onto the chest of the deceased.
Next, the pilot placed £1,000 there in 20 crisp £50 notes.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his chequebook, wrote a cheque for £3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the £2,000 cash.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jan 25, 2023 14:45:29 GMT
I think many of us been annoyed at having to prove we are not robots by clicking on Captcha pictures but spare a thought for cyclists when they are asked to identify all the images with traffic lights.
Dave
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Post by Harold Smith on Jan 25, 2023 21:32:23 GMT
I think many of us been annoyed at having to prove we are not robots by clicking on Captcha pictures but spare a thought for cyclists when they are asked to identify all the images with traffic lights. Dave Dave, that’s a really one. Into the Christmas cracker it must go! Harold.
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Post by ianr on Jan 26, 2023 7:29:59 GMT
I think many of us been annoyed at having to prove we are not robots by clicking on Captcha pictures but spare a thought for cyclists when they are asked to identify all the images with traffic lights. Dave Cyclists and traffic lights! so many just ignore them or pop on and off the footpath. I was once waiting to turn left onto high street in Lincoln 5m or so from the turn is a pedestrian crossing it turned red, cars stopped and my chance to go. Not according to the postman who sailed straight through them I had to brake to avoid him running into the side of my car only to receive 2 fingers and a load of verbal. Sometimes I feel a little paint damage may be worth it ian
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