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Post by Tringa on Feb 15, 2023 9:33:31 GMT
When I got home from work I found the kids had been on Ebay all day!
If its the same tomorrow I'm going to have to lower the price.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Feb 21, 2023 14:21:05 GMT
A couple of GPS jokes, though most on here will know I'm using the word joke in its loosest sense.
Do you need a GPS but are getting on a bit and feeling confused by the choice? If so, then get 'Senior GPS'. It not only gets you to your destination but also tells you why you wanted to go there.
Recently I changed the voice on my GPS to 'Male'. All it says now is,"Keep driving, its around here somewhere."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 5, 2023 8:48:30 GMT
When I rang up to book tickets to my local sea life centre, I got a message saying my call would be recorded. It seems they use it for training porpoises.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 10, 2023 16:57:58 GMT
A man walks into a greengrocer and asks for a kilo of tomatoes.
The greengrocer tells him: "That’s £40 please mate".
The man is shocked - "£40? Last week these tomatoes only cost me £2!"
Greengrocer says : "I'll explain it, - two pounds for the tomatoes, - twenty pounds to pay for the Kwazi Kwarteng budget, - ten pounds to pay the Tory donors for their PPE that never worked - And finally, eight pounds to pay for Boris Johnson’s legal fees.
The man is annoyed but pays the £40.
The greengrocer took the money, entered in the cash register and gave the man £2 back. The man said in disbelief : "Wait, you said £40, right ? I gave you 40, why are you giving me back 2 pounds?"
"Haven't you heard about the shortages, we haven't got any tomatoes."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 11, 2023 14:10:07 GMT
Man goes into a shop and says, "I'd like a battery so I can tell the time."
Shop assistant, "Is it for a clock?"
Man, "I don't know, that's why a need a battery."
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 22, 2023 10:09:34 GMT
I urgently need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and barks all the time.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll nip over next door's fence and get it for you.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Mar 28, 2023 10:42:10 GMT
I've just seen an advert for 'Carry On Flight Bag'. It seems it is not a long lost film starring Sid James, Kenneth Williams and crew.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on May 16, 2023 13:55:16 GMT
An elderly man, thinking his wife was losing her hearing, stood about 20 feet behind her and said "honey, can you hear me?"
No reply.
So he moved closer, about 10 feet away and repeated "honey, can you hear me?"
Still nothing.
Getting a bit worried, he moved even closer. "Darling, its Fred. Can you hear me yet?"
Again, no reply.
moving right up behind her, he whispers into her ear "Sweetheart, can you hear me now?"
This time, she replied.
"Fred, for the fourth time, yes I can bloody well hear you!"
Dave
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Post by Tringa on May 24, 2023 8:23:57 GMT
Never leave home in the morning without a kiss, a hug and an "I love you', then, as you walk to the car or the bus, remove the dog hairs from your mouth.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jun 11, 2023 7:58:45 GMT
There are articles about Dracula in a number of the newspapers today, but oddly enough none in the Sun or the Mirror.
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jun 12, 2023 17:07:21 GMT
Illuminated sign by the side of a motorway said -
"There's something strange in the neighbourhood, who you goin' to call?"
The next sign half a mile along the road said, "Nobody, you're driving!"
Dave
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Post by Tringa on Jun 18, 2023 9:07:58 GMT
Two old friends are talking after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen clearing up.
“You know, we went to a great new restaurant the other night. Fantastic food and it was really reasonably priced too”
“Really? What was it called?”
“Hmmm, Let me think. It’ll come to me in a minute. Oh wait……I got it. What do you call those flowers that have red flowers and thorns?”
“Errr, rose?”
“Yeah that’s it! Hey Rose…..what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?”
Dave
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Post by ianr on Jun 25, 2023 7:39:58 GMT
This made me smile, whilst driving to the park the other day I noticed some women taking a photo of a dog waste bin? On the way back I drove past slowly and noticed a picture of mad vlad pasted on the side underneath was written POO TIN ian
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Post by Tringa on Jun 29, 2023 16:17:55 GMT
Having a tattoo is often seen as a bar to getting some jobs which I think is wrong.
Tattoos should make you more employable because it shows you can sit for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin - and that is what nearly every corporate meeting I have ever attended has felt like.
Dave
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Post by Harold Smith on Jul 4, 2023 21:05:20 GMT
I know the feeling. It’s like the drip drip water torture.
Harold
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