Lost for Christmas

Ah there you are dear reader; now then how to begin, you may remember the old gamekeepers note books / journals I was given or rather they were loaned from a gentleman farmer. I have now finally finished deciphering them so I thought about returning the said items to the owner particularly as one is of historical value. A quick telephone call to what I thought was the owner revealed they originally belonged to a man from the back of beyond and would I like to return them to the new owner, and like a fool Alan said yes – wrong decision! So after finishing up in the back of beyond Alan was lost! Narrow country lanes began to take on a new meaning and decidedly dodgy corners were negotiated one after the other, just to make matters far worse the sky turned very sinister looking indeed.


Have you ever been out in the fens on a day like this where the terrain consists of nothing but a featureless landscape, very eerie to say the least but this was not the fens but rather something straight out of Salem’s Lot! So you can imagine my surprise when on one of these dodgy corners an elderly gentleman was spotted leaning on a thumb stick looking out across the fields. Are you lost boy, I am indeed does this address ring a bell, ah well boy your nearly there see that ole house in the distance - well it’s not that one, he said with a wry smile! Turn left at the old stone cross and go straight on and until you see grannies bottom you’ll then see a thatched cottage set well back, I thanked the gentleman but you know Alan I just had to ask what he was looking at across the fields see that dead hollow tree, yes sir - well there’s nothing in it, he said with the very same wry smile! But talk about being crafty I could tell by his manner that he was clearly had something to hide; however I politely left him to his vigil. I could also tell by the trodden down vegetation, that he had probably been doing the same thing for weeks on end, a man after my own heart I thought but as I made my way back to the car he shouted mind the white devils whatever you do boy. But there was something distinctly odd about this particular birder if indeed that is what he was, there was clearly something going on too but I could just not put my finger on it at the time but then again strange things always seem to happen to Alan. You could say I attract strange happenings like a magnet attracts metal, but why am I always chosen? Who knows there never seems to be a dull moment!


But the gentleman did turn out to be right after all a thatched cottage appeared just as he said set well back from the road in a delightful setting complete with dead roses round the door, so seeing no sign of any white devils Alan opened the creaking gate, wrong decision! The white devils appeared in the form of the two of the largest geese you have ever seen in your entire life slapping my legs with their wings and doing things I would rather not mention. Alan eventually reached the cottage door using the largest brass knocker known to man the door then creaked open to reveal a sweet little ole lady at least that is what I first thought! Whoever you are and whatever you want I don’t want any she said, plus a couple of vulgar mumbled expletives! Eventually after what seemed like hours and having explaining all the details she fully opened the door, oh do come inside young man don’t take any notice of the dog he loves visitors! So after a long discussion and so many cups of tea that I lost count she said boy you’re welcome to the old things, burn them tear em up or anything you like there yours boy, to which the dog looked highly delighted. Hang on a moment did she call me young man but then again “everything is relative” if you take my meaning.


By this time of course the largest dog in the universe was now sitting in front of the door showing its teeth and slobbering on to the carpet, I thought you said he was friendly, ah well he is when you’re coming in it’s when you’re going out he’s not so happy! Hang on I’ll shut him in the other room thank goodness for that I thought to which the lyrics to Hotel California came to mind - (you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave) your lucky you found us boy, yes an elderly gentleman I past gave me the directions (everything is relative) was he starring into space? Now you come to mention it yes I replied oh that’ll be old George he’s been dead for nay on fifty years she said smiling.


After getting over that strange experience I stopped for a bite to eat at the local village pub but as soon as I stepped into the noisy room it went silent, all heads turned as if I was wearing two heads, you have probably had the very same experience, at least I hope you have if you take my meaning. Nevertheless you know Alan I could not help but tell the pub landlord about my day to which he laughed so much I thought his head was going to fall off and roll straight out the door, oh that’ll be creepy George and Maud he said they don’t like visits from strangers sir, especially city gents wearing posh suits I was wearing a smart suit but city gent now that is creepy!


Ps

Grannies bottom turned out to be Grange bottom


Just three more “very strange places” Alan has encountered over the years, Clophill woods Deadman’s hill Bedfordshire.


Matlock Bath especially the house on the hill!


Salem’s street Barnstaple not to mention the flat on the corner, say no more!


Footnote

All the family are having a Dicken’s inspired Christmas this time specifically a Christmas carol, in which we are recreating the Fezziwig party dancing scene. Alan will be playing the jovial Fezziwig known for his spectacular Christmas parties and the good lady wife - Mrs Fezziwig, not forgetting of course my big sister who later will no doubt be singing her favourite song being Gisele Mackenzie’s Blue Tango. The close relations will be pulling some deadly serious faces as usual while they attempt to slither wriggle and writhe to do justice to the said dance, whilst I my wife, sons, plus brothers will be providing the live music. Alan will be singing Buonasera Signorina while my big sister and husband show them all how the tango / jive should be done, and God bless us all said Tiny Tim.


The Blue Tango, (the dance of romantic love) Gisele Mackenzie


www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOpdZBoc-xg


Buonasera Signorina, Michal Buble (Latin / Swing


www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoiRTPSuWlc


Film clip from a Christmas carol / dancing scene


www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTa4K7GGBwM


When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest.

Henry David Thoreau


Wishing you all peace and every happiness at Christmas and may your shadow always fall in happy places


Alan, somewhere in the back of beyond still reviewing the situation